Zoe's first Christmas

Luckily Zoe seems to enjoy being photographed, because she is going to be my model for years to come. I love her expressions in so many of these photos.  Many of them are very inquisitive.   She always seems to be very curious about my camera and my phone.  Zach and I like to talk about the possibility of us have a very bright girl on our hands. 

Thanks Dad for helping me sit in this chair.
: )

This pile of gifts is bigger than me. 

Daddy is playing with my toys for me.

Zoe had a great first Christmas!  She seemed to really be interested in the gifts that were being opened. I'm sure she will be playing with them in no time. Soon I wont be able to keep up with her. 

Transformations

It is hard to believe that Zoe will be three months old in just a matter or weeks. Christmas although a happy time of year is a time that I've been dreading a little bit.  I was hoping Christmas would take as long as possible to get here.  I enjoyed spending Zoe's first Christmas with her, but the time is bitter sweet to me because it means I will be returning to work in a matter of days.  Tears are welling up in my eyes just thinking about it.   I have already decided I'm going to hold off on mascara until I get to work the first day, and who knows maybe I shouldn't wear it at all that day.

It is amazing the transformation I have seen over the past three months. She has changed and developed in so many ways. Like many new babies Zoe's falling reflex was triggered easily. I would often see her arms and legs fly into the air while she was sleeping in her swing.

Zoe went from hardly able to control her arms and legs to holding and grasping on to things with decent control.

On her play mat her arms and legs would fly and kick with out much purpose, but now she actually grabs a hold of the rings, and appears to have a purpose to what she is doing. Her  legs no longer stay in front of the piano.  She often twist her self sideways usually in an attempt to flip over.  She has yet to flip her self over from back to front but I expect it to be coming before to long.  

She has also been very focused on her feet over the past several weeks.  I have seen her attempting to grab at them on multiple occasions. I finally witnessed a successful grab just last weekend where she was able to hold onto her sock.  She has yet to get a firm grasp of her toes, but I expect this to becoming before to long as well.  I assume as soon as she gets a firm grasp of her toes she should be able to flip her self over about that same time.  What she will do when she flips over I am not sure.  She has not enjoyed tummy time the past several weeks. 

Over the course of three months Zoe has gone from loving things to hating things to maybe even loving them again.  One such thing is bath time.  Zoe use to HATE bath time.  Zach seems to think I was making the water to cold. Now she absolutely loves bath time.  So much so she starts screaming as soon as she is removed from the water.

Zoe has also gotten much easier to sooth, at least by me.  Which worries me a little about returning to work, and her beginning day care. I realize I am around Zoe all day long so I try very hard to allow others to love Zoe when they are around.   When Zach gets home in the evenings I try to take a step back, and allow him to change her diapers, and sometimes even get her ready for bed. Which often included calming her to help her fall asleep.  Sitting in the other room I would often her Zach yell out, are you sure she's not hungry (after I had just fed her).   Moments after I would come in and take her she would take the pacifier just fine, and be calm in a matter of seconds (and not appearing to be hungry). Well I heard this phrase again last night when I allowed Zach's cousin to try her hand a soothing my sleepy baby who was ready for a nap. She was following the same technique I normally use (or use to use), and as Zoe was acting seemingly frustrated with the pacifier she asked if Zoe was hungry. When I took her back and tried the pacifier myself she was calm in  seconds, and often in such cases usually ends up smiling at me. I love my little girl, and I love that she is attached to me, but I worry about how this attachment will effect her at day care.  

I myself was a mommy girl.  So much so I held a grudge against my mom when she decided to leave me for a weekend. When I was a young child my mom went on a girl scout retreat with my sister for a weekend.  Apparently I was so angry at her for leaving me I would hardly look at her when she returned. Which is why I know it will be hard, but I do think learning to be with out me at a young age may not be a bad thing...

I am looking forward to seeing Zoe grow in so many ways. She is becoming so expressive.  I am beginning to hear all different kinds of sounds come out of her mouth. Everything from happy babbling and coos to I'm about to cry but I'm trying to express my feelings in another way right now. I think her upset babbling is the most adorable thing ever.  She makes the most unique sounds.   I tried to record some of her babbling one day, but she must be camera shy because she stopped, and just stared at the back of my phone refusing to make a peep. 

My Dad, Zoe's Papa, also swears that Zoe is beginning to wave back.  I myself think it is just coincidence that she happens to move her arms moments after he waves at her.   But who know maybe she is trying to learn.  I do believe I have a very smart, strong baby on my hands. 

Who does Zoe look like?

Time for the comparison.  Who does Zoe look like. 

From early on people were continually telling me how much Zoe looks like me.  I also had a lot of people tell me that Zoe looks like my Dad.   I agreed with most people and felt as though Zoe took after me, until recently.  I feel as though I am starting to see more of Zach in her. 

11 weeks

age unknown?

Zach was a big baby, around 10 pounds when he was born. Zoe was 6 lbs 4 oz. at birth, and is 9lbs 12oz as of her last weight check.  She took after my family in the since that me and all my siblings were small as well.  One thing that I do notice in comparing these photos is that Zoe has a rounder face like Zach.

Zoe, at two months

Me, at 2 months

I believe we have similar noses, and a similar hair line.  Although her hair is darker than mine. My hair later turned white blond.  I wonder if her hair will change?  It has lightened up some from birth. 

Zoe is also starting to get some really unique expressions, which I compare to some of Zach's expressions. In one of her recent two month photos I am beginning to wonder if she is getting Zach's infamous arched eyebrows. 

What do you think?  Who does Zoe look like?

Being a Mom....

Being a Mom is hard!  Yes, I said it.  Being a Mom is hard. I have always been a worrier, but being a Mom has brought on a new level of worry for me, as if that is even possible. I'm constantly questioning if I am doing everything correctly.

I ran across another blog during one of my Googling frenzies (I've actually had to limit myself from Googling- all it does is make me worry more) where the new Mom said she'd actually wished she was still pregnant at times because that was easier.  That exact thought has never crossed my mind, but it was nice to hear someone else express their since of being overwhelmed.

The first week was a breeze.  It felt like all I was doing was feeding a baby, but in all she was a happy content baby who slept all the time. Not to mention my house was full of people (which got overwhelming at times) but I also had amazing helpers such as my sister in law, and my mom who cooked and cleaned for me.  My sister in law actually got down on her hands and knees and scrubbed all the floors in my house.  She also cooked and froze several meals for us. Our refrigerator was so full of food that people made for us we were actually worried about being able to eat it all before it went bad.

It was after everyone went home that things got challenging. I had bought into the idea that you can not spoil a newborn, and was so afraid to even take a shower for fear she might cry, and I wouldn't be there for her. However, thanks to my mom helping to make sure I didn't go to over board spoiling my baby I luckily have a child who likes to sleep in her crib, and I think prefers that to her swing most of the time. However, what also came the second week were more baby tears, and tears that were harder to sooth. It wasn't always food that she wanted.  Evening became her fussy time, which according to my Mom, Kelly Mom, and the book "Happiest Baby On the Block" this is perfectly normal.  However, my husband began to think she was colicky because she was so fussy in the evenings.   I at first was very irritated with this idea, and got so annoyed with our neighbors and friends who would ask about our colicky baby.   Babies cry this is how they  talk to us.  However, as things progressed that week and the next it wasn't only evening times that she was that fussy.  Morning times became a fussy period as well.  So then I though well maybe she is just going through a growth spurt, which is still entirely possible. And maybe she goes through a growth spurt on a weekly basis, because I am finding Tuesday, and Wednesdays are her fussiest days. Anyways I got to the point where I was anxious about the idea of having people around or going anywhere for fear that she would be fussy and I couldn't calm her down.  Honestly, I was scared of looking like a bad Mom. Prior to having Zoe I read the book Happiest Baby On The Block.  He talked a lot about colic and how its more a western cultural phenomenon.  How many other cultures don't have the same issues because of the way they deal with their babies.  He talked about how he believes that some babies are just not as good at taking in all the new experiences.  I was determined to have the happiest baby on the block, and I was going to master all the soothing methods out there.  In some ways I wish I had never read the book, I believe it created a false since of expectations in me, and made me feel let down when I couldn't always sooth her.

By the end of the first week by my self I found myself crying when she cried.  I think its kind of funny now I remember holding her staring at her, bursting into tears, and saying I don't know what you want sweety.   Surprisingly she stopped crying to actually watch me cry.  I have had a little bit of postpartum, which I don't think has always helped my calmness in trying to sooth my baby girl. I was constantly beating myself up thinking I was doing something wrong.  Not to mention feeding times became a struggle because I went through a phase of an overactive-let down.   My milk sprayed out really fast to begin with and I was contently choking my poor girl.   There were times when she would actually refuse to nurse.  Zoe started spitting up more, and my afternoons were spent calming her and continually trying to get her to eat. She would act hungry and then not want to eat. During this time it was brought to my attention by several people that she could have reflex.  This is when I really began to worry.  I started to give into the idea that she is colicky at times.  However, I contend that reflex is different then colic. I probably annoyed the nurses line at my doctor calling them multiple times in tears after I finally got her calmed down after her long fits.   I decided to have Zach by her some gas drops, but was still concerned about the possibility of her having reflex. Afraid of over doing the drops I didn't really consistently give them to her during her third week of life.  It was not until this Tuesday that I followed the doctors orders and started giving them to her  four times a day.  I think I've seen a little bit of a difference, not to mention that I've learned a little bit more about her.

You heard me mention before that I would jump every time she cried, and that I was scared to take a shower for fear she would cry.  However, I learned the past two days that it is Ok for her to cry while I'm in the shower.  In fact instead of our normal morning crying fit I learned she actually falls asleep if I let her cry while I'm in the shower.  I probably was keeping her awake when she wanted to be sleeping. I think the gas drops have helped some.  I've actually heard her fart, which I take as a good sign because that means she is getting the bubbles out of her. She actually farted on Zach's hand when he was putting her into the bath the other night.  He looked at her and said, "love your the only person that can do that to me, and I'm OK with it."  I have such a wonderful husband, he is a great Daddy. (I know this will bring its own challenges in the future).

I'm still struggling with what to do about the possible reflex.  Not every feeding time is a battle any more, but there a still moments when she seems to be in pain after eating, spitting up, or burping which causes her to be fussy.  I've decided to also start giving her a probiotic to help with any stomach issues, and Zach wants me to take one myself. I really enjoyed getting to see my Midwife yesterday.  It was nice talking to her about the challenges of being a new parent.  She really helped relieve some tension.  She also brought up the fact that I was given an antibiotic during labor, which could have caused some of the natural bacteria in her system to be depleted, and maybe causing some stomach irritation. At this point I've decided to avoid getting the prescription for Zantac for a couple days to see if she is less fussy with the help of the probiotic and gas drops. Zach is the one who talked me into holding off.  However, after seeing her get really upset last night after spitting up he is ready for it, and now I'm talking him into holding off.  I've also am trying to really watch my diet.  I'm keeping it basic for a couple days, and will gradually add things in to see if they affect her.

I could keeps going on about my concerns.  In short I may have a colicky baby or a baby with reflux.  I view them as different things.  What is your opinion of colic?  Is it a baby that cries at the same time everyday or a baby who cries constantly? Or is it normal for babies to be more fussy in the evenings?  Is there a difference between fussiness and Fussiness?  Is she fussy in the evening just because there is more going on after a quiet day around the house?  Is my baby truly more fussy then others or do I just think she is because I'm not around the other babies enough to see?

I think some of her fussiness last night was due to the fact that she did not want her bottle.  Which adds to my worry.  She is going to have to be on a bottle full time at some point, what if she goes on bottle strike.  Am I a terrible Mom for not pumping and bottle feeding fully from the beginning. I as a baby would never take a bottle.  Zoe has done well with a bottle, but what if she stops? Or am I having her do to much at once?  Is she to confused by her pacifier  my nipple, and a bottle?  In three months I have to go back to work, which I don't like to think about. What if she doesn't do well at daycare or wont eat.  Should I be having other watch her more frequently now?  Oh so many concerns!! I'll stop there for now.

The Birth Story

Now that things have settled a little, at least as much as they can when you have a new born in the house, I can take the time to write my birth story.

As I hoped, I believe the full moon did play a factor. Here is some research stolen from another friends blog:

Did you know that some maternity units actually have more staff available during periods of full moon?  I’ve always been fascinated by the moon’s effect on nature, so when a friend’s wife conveyed to me what her midwife had told her during the birth of their daughter, I decided to find out more about childbirth, full moon and a possible link.

On speaking to various medical staff involved in natural childbirth, the first thing I learned was that expectant mothers often experience false signs of labor during full moon. Contractions known as “Braxton Hicks” — sometimes noticeable to the mother and sometimes not — become more pronounced and many travel to the maternity unit in the belief that “it’s time”. Disappointed — or perhaps relieved — they return home, the pains having subsided with no dilation of the cervix.

While these expectant mothers visiting the clinic with their mistaken signs of labor are part of the reason why extra staff are needed, the major difference is found in the number of women whose amniotic sac — the water — breaks.

Just as some women experience false labor pains, in cases where the water breaking marks the start of childbirth, full moon is the time when it’s most likely to happen. In order to discover for myself whether this could be true, I asked several female friends how their births had started. Those who responded with “the water breaking” were then asked the date of the birth. On checking this against a moon phase chart, I discovered that almost all had given birth on, or very close to, a full moon.

The theory is that the moon’s gravitational pull effects the amniotic fluid in much the same way as it effects the water in the sea, rivers and even the water that’s otherwise found in our bodies.

“There are published works that show that there is such a relationship. One study looked at 5,927,978 French births occurring between the months of January 1968 and the 31st December 1974. Using spectral analysis, it was shown that there are two different rhythms in birth frequencies: –a weekly rhythm characterized by the lowest number of births on a Sunday and the largest number on a Tuesday and an annual rhythm with the maximum number of births in May and the minimum in September-October. A statistical analysis of the distribution of births in the lunar month shows that more are born between the last quarter and the new moon, and fewer are born in the first quarter of the moon. The differences between the distribution observed during the lunar month and the theoretical distribution are statistically significant.” – Source: Full moon, Gravitational Pull and Childbirth, Birthsource.com

As a woman’s body prepares for natural childbirth, the amniotic sac becomes distended so the point where it will easily burst if put under pressure. Under normal circumstances, the pressure of labor contractions bursts the sac. During a full moon, the pressure caused by the moon’s effect on the water inside the sac can cause the same things to happen, but without the accompanying contractions.

When this happens, natural childbirth doesn’t always move forward and with no other signs of labor present, the obstetrician may decide to induce the birth. During my own study of this phenomenon I found that of 8 women whose births started with the water breaking at full moon, 5 of them had no accompanying contractions. A coincidence? Perhaps. But surely midwives wouldn’t prepare themselves for an increase in natural childbirth activity if there wasn’t some truth in this?

One midwife told me that when it comes to planning childbirth, full moons should always be looked for around the time of the expected delivery. If there’s one within a few days either side, the chances are your baby will be born on that day.

If you noticed the line that mentions water breaking during the full moon, and no contractions...this is exactly what happened to me.   My water broke at 6:30 AM, a slow trickle with no contractions.  Since I wanted a natural birth I wanted to avoid an induction as much as possible.   I spent the morning anticipating the birth of my daughter, and trying to bring on contractions, with a brisk walk.  No such luck. After seeing my doctor about 11 it was confirmed that my water has in fact broken.  My doctor and I decided that I would continue to wait out contractions until 6:30.  About four a few irregular contractions appeared, but nothing consistent. Finally 6:00 PM arrived and it was time to go to the hospital.   I knew due to the risk of infection the doctors would not allow me to go more then 24 hours with my water broken,  and chose to take a mild pill designed to induce labor, but not be as sever as Petocin. Honestly  if I had know there were mild forms of induction I might have gone into the hospital earlier. 

An all night labor was not fun, and made for a very sleepy Momma after Zoe was born.  If I had to do it again I might have chosen another route simply so that I could of had more energy for when Zoe arrived. 

The funny part is that I did end up asking for an epidural.  Not because I was in pain, but because I was simply exhausted, and wasn't sure how much more I could endure. However,  after beginning preparations for the epidural they decided to check me and found out that I was fully dilated, and ready to begin pushing.  I was feeling the urge to push but was in denial about being ready.  I was one of the lucky few as my birth instructor said that actually got a break before pushing.  My pain was mild, and seemed to subsided, which made me believe that my contractions were dissipating.  I could only think, "oh no!"  "my contractions are going away,  I'm sure I'll have to have a c-section in the morning".  It was my mother who pointed out to the nurses that she thought I was ready.  I'm glad she was there!    

Labor was a long ordeal, but in the end I was glad I made it through naturally.  I might have been exhausted, but Zoe was spry, rolling back and forth already on the examining table. Many people attribute this to the lack of medication during delivery.

I now have a beautiful baby girl.  Born October 2, 2012.  6 lbs 4 oz 19.5 inches long. 

Pre/Post Drop

As I approach the due date, Zoe's head has in fact dropped lower into my pelvis. It's very interesting how much different this feels then it did before.  Let's just say, I'm glad the whole pregnancy isn't like this.

Here are a few major comfort differences between the baby being higher vs lower....

Prior to dropping I found that belly and by breast interfered with each others space.  Often times I would want to sit holding by boobs just so that my ribs weren't jabbing into them.  This sounds a lot worse then it was.  It was more just a random discomfort that affected me on occasion.  I also found that breathing was a lot harder.  When Zoe was higher going up stairs, felt like the most exhausting things I had ever done in my life.  I would get to the top of the stairs, and find my self breathing has hard as I possibly could. When a baby   is pressing against your lungs it not only makes it hard for you to catch a breath, but hard to breath as well.  Try to talk to a room full of students was extremely difficult during this time.

Now that Zoe has dropped breathing is much easier, and talking to my class is as well.  However, other discomforts have come with her new positioning. Imagine a little person pushing on your pelvis from the inside. As my pelvis is being forced to spread sleeping has become difficult.  My husband will tell you I am not a still sleeper.  I've always like to roll back and forth between my sides that I sleep on. But just rolling over in bed has become excruciatingly painful at times. I've heard it described as having a bowling ball between your legs.  I would probably describe it more like a cantaloupe, but that just because Zoe is smaller.  Regardless I feel it is better described as my legs fells like they are being pushed/pulled out of their sockets, and certain movements do not feel good.

I also find myself continually questioning if I am having contractions or not. A week ago Friday I swore I was.  After getting upset at one of my classes at school I found that I had this very sharp pain in me belly.  Something....new....I had not felt a pain like that before. The only reason I suspected that it wasn't a contraction was because it lasted for a while.  However during this cramp I was getting hot flashes and very uncomfortable. After, settling down with a water at friends house the cramp went away.  However on my way home for there I felt another one, however minor in comparison to the first.   That evening I sat relaxing, and very aware of what my body was doing.  Maybe a little to aware, and maybe reading into signs that were nothing. Regardless, my husband and I decided to take a stroll just in case it was early labor.  After the stroll lets just say it was not labor, and the kind of thing that a bathroom break helped fix. Since that night I have been feeling these random cramps (nothing rhythmic, repetitive, or even sever) but enough to raise an eyebrow in question at time.  At my last doctors visit I asked my doctor if  contractions start off mild.  She proceeded to explain that it is possible that my body is practicing contractions.  Today I feel as though I've been feeling these mild cramps on an hourly basis.  Yet, I don't feel like their anything to phone the hospital about or even get my husband excited about.  I don't believe they are true contractions because everything I read and hear tells me I WILL KNOW when I'm having contractions.  Part of me still wonders, Am I really going to know?  Or am I reading to much into my body signs that I'm making nothing into something just because I'm excited about meeting Zoe.

Here we are 3 days away from my due date.  This day that has been burned into my head for the last 9 months.  Is it possible to think of anything other then meeting my daughter?  Am I thinking about it to much, to the point where I'm causing her to take longer?  I just know the closer I get to the due date, and if I pass the due date there is a higher potential from them to induce her, and I don't want that to happen.

Adventures in Fertility

So it's been awhile since I've posted anything.  I've let my sister do most of the posting with her happy news and updates.  I'm just trying to work on being Zen - buddhism says that "wanting" is a negative emotion, so I'm trying not to "want" a baby.  Everyone has lots of advice and I'm just trying to take the advice and not worry about it too much.

We did go through a workup with the fertility doctor.  That consisted of me having blood drawn on two separate occasions, Evan having to provide a "sample" and me having a test called an SIS where they insert a catheter into the cervix and shoot saline into the uterus while performing an ultrasound to check for any blockages in the tubes or visible cysts.  All of our tests came back "normal".  The diagnosis is unexplained infertility with possible Endometriosis.  The possible Endometriosis is based on family history (turns out that my Mom had it and never knew until long after she had the three of us) and possible symptoms (I do get cramps each month, but how am I to say if they're more severe than what other people get.  I don't have any problems functioning when I have them and I know I have friends who are in bed with pain from theirs.).  The problem with Endometriosis is that your symptoms or lack thereof have nothing to do with how severe the Endometriosis is, and the only way they can truly diagnose it is to do a surgery to see if there are, in fact, areas of uterine lining growing outside of the uterus.  Evan & I haven't yet decided if I'll go through with the surgery - for one thing it would mean having to go on the pill for three months before surgery, and for another thing, it's surgery.  The other option the doctor would have us do next if we don't go for the surgery is fertility drugs and insemination.  It seems a little extreme to me to jump straight to insemination - I guess they feel it increases the odds more, but I did send them an email to see if we can try the drugs and trying naturally first.  We'll see what they say.

Beyond that, I don't know.  We'll need to decide if we can come up with the money for adoption (seems like a surer bet then spending a bunch of money for IVF or something that isn't guaranteed) or if we're just going to be a really great Auntie & Uncle to our currently two nephews and our niece that is on the way any day.