It's for real!

A week ago I got a chance to see my baby for the first time! It was so exciting being able to see my child for the very first time.  These photos finally made everything so real.  I'm going to be a MOM!

I've been lucky enough not to have many pregnancy symptoms.  About the only symptom that's plagued me is exhaustion.  The other night I feel asleep right after dinner and slept until 10:30 PM.

It's  still hard to believe I have a baby growing inside of me.  I find myself staring at my stomach constantly, wondering if that actually is a baby bump growing.  I know my stomach has never been perfectly flat but I don't believe it protruded this much before, so it must be.  My little peanut is growing so quickly.  According the The Bump.com  my baby is the size of a blue berry this week, and beginning to form arms and legs.

                                                             
Almost as fast as the baby is growing decisions are being made for the nursery. My father-in-law was in town visiting last week and before he left he surprised us with a crib, mattress, matching dresser, and a few cute little outfits.  Now all we have to do is get all the unwanted stuff that is in the room out,and start putting things together.  My mother-in-law also ordered crib bedding, a sea turtle constellation night light, and stuffed octopus for the nursery.  Since my husband and I are scuba divers, and ocean lovers we knew right away that male or female the room is going to be fish themed.

I can't wait to start putting everything together!!!

The News

In a couple days it will have been two weeks since I initially found out I was pregnant. It has been an interesting two weeks. I have gone through several different emotions, and not just due to pregnancy hormones.

I do not know exactly what it was that motivated me to take the second pregnancy test. I had taken one a week before, which was negative. I had convinced myself that I was not pregnant, and even though I was two weeks late there was no possible way I could be pregnant. I entered the idea of trying to have a child believing that it was going to be difficult for me. Since I’ve been on birth control since high school due to an irregular cycle I convinced myself that I was still going to have trouble with my cycle. Maybe preparing myself with this idea beforehand is what helped me get pregnant so easily. I had told myself I was not going to stress over having a child, if it happened it happened! And here it is two months without birth control and I’m already pregnant. Not my initial plan. But when it comes to babies do things ever really go as planned? My plan was to conceive in July, have the baby in March, take my maternity leave, and then enjoy my summer off with my new baby (I’m a teacher). Don’t get me wrong I’m still very excited, and after going to the doctor last week I found out that my possible due date is October, 4^th. October 4^th or even 5^thare perfect days because my parents will be turning 60. (Shhh, don’t tell them I told you.) What a great age to become grandparents!

And, here I am crying over my keyboard.

I think this week has been the first weekthat I’ve really felt the hormones. It's not helping that, I’m trying to find the best way to phrase exactly what I want to say. I am glad I’m pregnant but I’ve also had this guilt that’s come along with it. I know it’s not my fault, and I know everyone is happy for me. It’s just hard knowing it has been so easy for me, when several of my close friends and family have had a difficult time conceiving. I wish so truly that they could share in the same joy I am. These last couple of days have been the hardest, having to watch a close friend in pain after she learned our news. I am hopeful every day that the people I love will one day soon receive their own joyous news, and we will raise our children together. Now that my brain is filled with happy thoughts again, I need to leave it at that.

More news to come, after my first ultrasound on Monday…

 (Doll)

Since I first created this blog a day or two after finding out that my sister was pregnant, I've been thinking about what to say in my first post. Today has been a particularly rough day for me and I've found myself crying on and off all day and again now after reading my sister's post (she asked me to edit it for her). I hate to think that she's experiencing guilt and pain in a time when she should be happy, and I know I'm part of the cause of that. Not only have I been trying to get pregnant now for 13 months, but I'm the older sister (by 7 years).

When I first started trying to conceive, I thought it was going to be easy. I expected to be pregnant the first month I tried. Each month that went by I spent the two weeks between my fertile time and my period convinced that this would be the month. By the time October rolled around, I decided to seek a little outside input. I went to see an acupuncturist who assists in fertility because my husband and I thought a more eastern medicine approach might be better. Dr. H started out by having me take a testosterone test. The results came back that my levels were high. High testosterone levels are correlated to PCOS, which is related to insulin resistance, so he started out by putting me on a high protein, low carb diet. Dieting over the holidays was not easy, but I managed to lose about 20 pounds, on top of the 20 pounds I had already lost last year. At least one thing I've been working toward is successful. At the end of the weight loss, Dr. H had my testosterone level tested again and it had dropped in half, well within the normal range.

That was about a month ago. In the intervening time, I've also found a new app/website to chart my temperature and help me to predict the best/ most fertile time each month. Since I've had trouble interpreting my own temperature chart, this website has been really helpful for me, and I was really excited this past month to have just the right timing. Once again I was very hopeful that this was finally going to be the month. I also thought maybe this was the way it was supposed to be - my sister and I pregnant at the same time. The last two days, however, I've been spotting and feeling like my period is about to start. It's actually a few days early. Thus the reason for the teary-ness today. On top of the fact that I'm sad about not being pregnant again, I have the period hormones which make me emotional this time of the month anyway. I know that there's still plenty of time for my sister and I to share this, but with the fact that I've been trying for over a year already and that I'm going to be 35 next month I'm feeling really hopeless right now. My husband says I'm being too negative. That I'm putting negative energy out there and that's part of the problem. I try to be positive about it, but it is hard when I keep finding out about other people's pregnancies. Right now not only is my sister pregnant, but also my sister-in-law (with her 2nd) and one of my step sister-in-laws.

The funny thing about all of this, is that the app I've been using (which has some predictive features when you're using the VIP version and I'm still in the free trial portion) increased the score they have listed for "early pregnancy signs" when I entered the spotting yesterday and today, so I suppose it's still a possibility that I'm pregnant, but I really feel like my period will be starting in the next day or two. My husband was really sweet when I talked to him about it today and just said, "we can try again next month", but since I'm feeling sad and negative right now I wonder if it's even worth it.

I'm not sure if that's really a good place to leave this, but I feel like this post has come to its conclusion. Hopefully the next post I make will have a happier tone, but that's not where I am today.