Since I first created this blog a day or two after finding out that my sister was pregnant, I've been thinking about what to say in my first post. Today has been a particularly rough day for me and I've found myself crying on and off all day and again now after reading my sister's post (she asked me to edit it for her). I hate to think that she's experiencing guilt and pain in a time when she should be happy, and I know I'm part of the cause of that. Not only have I been trying to get pregnant now for 13 months, but I'm the older sister (by 7 years).

When I first started trying to conceive, I thought it was going to be easy. I expected to be pregnant the first month I tried. Each month that went by I spent the two weeks between my fertile time and my period convinced that this would be the month. By the time October rolled around, I decided to seek a little outside input. I went to see an acupuncturist who assists in fertility because my husband and I thought a more eastern medicine approach might be better. Dr. H started out by having me take a testosterone test. The results came back that my levels were high. High testosterone levels are correlated to PCOS, which is related to insulin resistance, so he started out by putting me on a high protein, low carb diet. Dieting over the holidays was not easy, but I managed to lose about 20 pounds, on top of the 20 pounds I had already lost last year. At least one thing I've been working toward is successful. At the end of the weight loss, Dr. H had my testosterone level tested again and it had dropped in half, well within the normal range.

That was about a month ago. In the intervening time, I've also found a new app/website to chart my temperature and help me to predict the best/ most fertile time each month. Since I've had trouble interpreting my own temperature chart, this website has been really helpful for me, and I was really excited this past month to have just the right timing. Once again I was very hopeful that this was finally going to be the month. I also thought maybe this was the way it was supposed to be - my sister and I pregnant at the same time. The last two days, however, I've been spotting and feeling like my period is about to start. It's actually a few days early. Thus the reason for the teary-ness today. On top of the fact that I'm sad about not being pregnant again, I have the period hormones which make me emotional this time of the month anyway. I know that there's still plenty of time for my sister and I to share this, but with the fact that I've been trying for over a year already and that I'm going to be 35 next month I'm feeling really hopeless right now. My husband says I'm being too negative. That I'm putting negative energy out there and that's part of the problem. I try to be positive about it, but it is hard when I keep finding out about other people's pregnancies. Right now not only is my sister pregnant, but also my sister-in-law (with her 2nd) and one of my step sister-in-laws.

The funny thing about all of this, is that the app I've been using (which has some predictive features when you're using the VIP version and I'm still in the free trial portion) increased the score they have listed for "early pregnancy signs" when I entered the spotting yesterday and today, so I suppose it's still a possibility that I'm pregnant, but I really feel like my period will be starting in the next day or two. My husband was really sweet when I talked to him about it today and just said, "we can try again next month", but since I'm feeling sad and negative right now I wonder if it's even worth it.

I'm not sure if that's really a good place to leave this, but I feel like this post has come to its conclusion. Hopefully the next post I make will have a happier tone, but that's not where I am today.