Being a Mom is hard! Yes, I said it. Being a Mom is hard. I have always been a worrier, but being a Mom has brought on a new level of worry for me, as if that is even possible. I'm constantly questioning if I am doing everything correctly.
I ran across another blog during one of my Googling frenzies (I've actually had to limit myself from Googling- all it does is make me worry more) where the new Mom said she'd actually wished she was still pregnant at times because that was easier. That exact thought has never crossed my mind, but it was nice to hear someone else express their since of being overwhelmed.
The first week was a breeze. It felt like all I was doing was feeding a baby, but in all she was a happy content baby who slept all the time. Not to mention my house was full of people (which got overwhelming at times) but I also had amazing helpers such as my sister in law, and my mom who cooked and cleaned for me. My sister in law actually got down on her hands and knees and scrubbed all the floors in my house. She also cooked and froze several meals for us. Our refrigerator was so full of food that people made for us we were actually worried about being able to eat it all before it went bad.
It was after everyone went home that things got challenging. I had bought into the idea that you can not spoil a newborn, and was so afraid to even take a shower for fear she might cry, and I wouldn't be there for her. However, thanks to my mom helping to make sure I didn't go to over board spoiling my baby I luckily have a child who likes to sleep in her crib, and I think prefers that to her swing most of the time. However, what also came the second week were more baby tears, and tears that were harder to sooth. It wasn't always food that she wanted. Evening became her fussy time, which according to my Mom, Kelly Mom, and the book "Happiest Baby On the Block" this is perfectly normal. However, my husband began to think she was colicky because she was so fussy in the evenings. I at first was very irritated with this idea, and got so annoyed with our neighbors and friends who would ask about our colicky baby. Babies cry this is how they talk to us. However, as things progressed that week and the next it wasn't only evening times that she was that fussy. Morning times became a fussy period as well. So then I though well maybe she is just going through a growth spurt, which is still entirely possible. And maybe she goes through a growth spurt on a weekly basis, because I am finding Tuesday, and Wednesdays are her fussiest days. Anyways I got to the point where I was anxious about the idea of having people around or going anywhere for fear that she would be fussy and I couldn't calm her down. Honestly, I was scared of looking like a bad Mom. Prior to having Zoe I read the book Happiest Baby On The Block. He talked a lot about colic and how its more a western cultural phenomenon. How many other cultures don't have the same issues because of the way they deal with their babies. He talked about how he believes that some babies are just not as good at taking in all the new experiences. I was determined to have the happiest baby on the block, and I was going to master all the soothing methods out there. In some ways I wish I had never read the book, I believe it created a false since of expectations in me, and made me feel let down when I couldn't always sooth her.
By the end of the first week by my self I found myself crying when she cried. I think its kind of funny now I remember holding her staring at her, bursting into tears, and saying I don't know what you want sweety. Surprisingly she stopped crying to actually watch me cry. I have had a little bit of postpartum, which I don't think has always helped my calmness in trying to sooth my baby girl. I was constantly beating myself up thinking I was doing something wrong. Not to mention feeding times became a struggle because I went through a phase of an overactive-let down. My milk sprayed out really fast to begin with and I was contently choking my poor girl. There were times when she would actually refuse to nurse. Zoe started spitting up more, and my afternoons were spent calming her and continually trying to get her to eat. She would act hungry and then not want to eat. During this time it was brought to my attention by several people that she could have reflex. This is when I really began to worry. I started to give into the idea that she is colicky at times. However, I contend that reflex is different then colic. I probably annoyed the nurses line at my doctor calling them multiple times in tears after I finally got her calmed down after her long fits. I decided to have Zach by her some gas drops, but was still concerned about the possibility of her having reflex. Afraid of over doing the drops I didn't really consistently give them to her during her third week of life. It was not until this Tuesday that I followed the doctors orders and started giving them to her four times a day. I think I've seen a little bit of a difference, not to mention that I've learned a little bit more about her.
You heard me mention before that I would jump every time she cried, and that I was scared to take a shower for fear she would cry. However, I learned the past two days that it is Ok for her to cry while I'm in the shower. In fact instead of our normal morning crying fit I learned she actually falls asleep if I let her cry while I'm in the shower. I probably was keeping her awake when she wanted to be sleeping. I think the gas drops have helped some. I've actually heard her fart, which I take as a good sign because that means she is getting the bubbles out of her. She actually farted on Zach's hand when he was putting her into the bath the other night. He looked at her and said, "love your the only person that can do that to me, and I'm OK with it." I have such a wonderful husband, he is a great Daddy. (I know this will bring its own challenges in the future).
I'm still struggling with what to do about the possible reflex. Not every feeding time is a battle any more, but there a still moments when she seems to be in pain after eating, spitting up, or burping which causes her to be fussy. I've decided to also start giving her a probiotic to help with any stomach issues, and Zach wants me to take one myself. I really enjoyed getting to see my Midwife yesterday. It was nice talking to her about the challenges of being a new parent. She really helped relieve some tension. She also brought up the fact that I was given an antibiotic during labor, which could have caused some of the natural bacteria in her system to be depleted, and maybe causing some stomach irritation. At this point I've decided to avoid getting the prescription for Zantac for a couple days to see if she is less fussy with the help of the probiotic and gas drops. Zach is the one who talked me into holding off. However, after seeing her get really upset last night after spitting up he is ready for it, and now I'm talking him into holding off. I've also am trying to really watch my diet. I'm keeping it basic for a couple days, and will gradually add things in to see if they affect her.
I could keeps going on about my concerns. In short I may have a colicky baby or a baby with reflux. I view them as different things. What is your opinion of colic? Is it a baby that cries at the same time everyday or a baby who cries constantly? Or is it normal for babies to be more fussy in the evenings? Is there a difference between fussiness and Fussiness? Is she fussy in the evening just because there is more going on after a quiet day around the house? Is my baby truly more fussy then others or do I just think she is because I'm not around the other babies enough to see?
I think some of her fussiness last night was due to the fact that she did not want her bottle. Which adds to my worry. She is going to have to be on a bottle full time at some point, what if she goes on bottle strike. Am I a terrible Mom for not pumping and bottle feeding fully from the beginning. I as a baby would never take a bottle. Zoe has done well with a bottle, but what if she stops? Or am I having her do to much at once? Is she to confused by her pacifier my nipple, and a bottle? In three months I have to go back to work, which I don't like to think about. What if she doesn't do well at daycare or wont eat. Should I be having other watch her more frequently now? Oh so many concerns!! I'll stop there for now.
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